


Dressed to the Nines

by Enisy



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Comedy, Fashion & Couture, Gen, Humor, Lists, Newspaper Article
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:53:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25208773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enisy/pseuds/Enisy
Summary: BeamFeedhas put together a list of Deep Space 9’s best and worst dressed for your reading enjoyment!
Comments: 22
Kudos: 41
Collections: Unconventional Fanwork Exchange 2020





	Dressed to the Nines

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eafay70](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eafay70/gifts).



> Beta-read by the inimitable [Duinemerwen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duinemerwen/works). Check out her _Good Omens_ stories!

**Stardate 49901.7:** Ambassador Udra and Wusyum Cido finally tied the knot today! Everyone who’s anyone showed up for the reception on Deep Space 9, and many a salutary toast was made for the newlyweds. But you don’t care about that, do you? No, what _you_ are here for is ugly Uggs, misguided headgear, wardrobe malfunctions, and colors from outer space. Although there was nothing as odious as the tribble fur coat of 47386.6, or as absurd as Q carrying his own severed head in 46388.5, the evening still featured several jaw-droppers. _BeamFeed_ has put together a list of Deep Space 9’s best and worst dressed for your reading enjoyment!

**The Good**

1\. The undisputed red-carpet king, for the third year in a row, was the Lurian courier and barfly Morn. With his jaunty Ascot cap, silk shirt and daring light-up moccasins, he has not only captured the rightmost seat of Quark’s bar… but also our hearts.

2\. The runner-up spot goes to the station’s resident tailor, Elim Garak, whose designs graced most of the evening’s guests. He opted for a plain, simple brocade tunic, but with stripes that looked like pockets, pockets that looked like mics, mics that looked like banned F31 flesh-eating nanobots. Always a hoot, that Garak!

3\. We were so shocked by the sight of Major Kira Nerys in a dress, we couldn’t even tell you what color it was. Was it black and royal blue? Or white and gold? Let us know your guess in the comment section!

4\. Nipping at the Major’s heels, figuratively and literally, a visiting Gul Dukat managed to nab fourth place. He didn’t put any special effort into his garb, having shown up in his usual cuirass and leather boots, but what can we say? Uniforms are hot.

5\. Did we stutter? Uniforms. Are. Hot. Nog and Jake Sisko wowed us with their retro Starfleet getup, all dashing angular cuts and bold colorblocking. But back off, ladies, ‘cause those two only have eyes for each other.

6\. Quark looked handsome and so affluent in his purple dress pants and matching vest. Tying the outfit together was an expensive-looking brooch and an earring that accentuated the size of his lobe. (No, he did not bribe us to write this. But he could have! _He could have._ He certainly has latinum enough to spare!)

7\. The last high scorers are Chief Miles O’Brien and his wife Keiko, who runs DS9’s one and only school. All credit to Mrs. O’Brien, who combined creativity and grace in her off-shoulder kimono, with a gorgeous, stylized _hara_ cat pattern. The Chief just wore a Christmas sweater. (Note: Christmas is a human holiday where children receive presents from a fictional red-suited gentleman, popularized by a soda company before Replicators were invented.)

**The Bad**

8\. Commander Benjamin Sisko just ekes out an eighth-rank placement. He is known for his no-nonsense leadership style, but his wardrobe appears more laid back. _Too_ laid back, one might say. A Hawaiian shirt _and_ crocs? This misstep might land our Bajoran Emissary time in the Fire Caves.

9\. It looked like Jadzia Dax let Tobin Dax pick the outfit today. Ouch.

10\. Coming up next is Tora Ziyal, who looked too cute by half in her pink taffeta gown and opera gloves. We were already confused about her age, and this vestiary choice did _not_ help matters. Yes, yes, unavailable mother figure, questionable ancestry, six years in a Breen forced labor camp. Sympathy will only get you so far, miss.

11\. Constable Odo shapeshifted himself his usual attire. BO-RING!

12\. Another visitor to the station was Ishka, mother of Quark and Rom and rumored paramour of the Grand Nagus. She was clad all in black and sporting a cap of guipure with fake pearls. She gave it the old college try, but it is clear she’s spent a good part of her life running around naked.

13\. One of the evening’s biggest surprises: Dr. Julian Bashir, a man who’s normally quite scrupulous about his appearance, showed up in an ensemble that made many a tongue wag. “Ensemble” is probably the wrong word, because it consisted of one piece. That was very short. And bold. And revealing. (It was a mini skirt, okay?!)

14\. The second worst sartorial offense was committed by Worf, son of Mogh. We are talking, of course, about that twee, garish apparel from pre-warp Earth, complete with feathered hat. He was not a merry man.

15\. Rounding up the list is Gul Dukat in his _second_ appearance, having swapped out his armor for a floor-length evening gown. To which we have three questions: What? Why? What?

**Editor’s note:** Since publishing this article, _BeamFeed_ has been apprised that the last three individuals on the list were actually Constable Odo in disguise. Our contact, who wishes to remain anonymous, alluded to a bet between Mr. Garak and Constable Odo, which the latter evidently lost. Both the likenesses and the outfits of Dr. Bashir, Mr. Worf and Gul Dukat seem to have been conjured at Mr. Garak’s suggestion. _BeamFeed_ reached out to Constable Odo, who declined to comment; and to Dr. Bashir, who exclaimed “Oh, it’s because I said the gift tunic had too long a hem, isn’t it? Unbelievable! I said I was sorry!”

 _BeamFeed_ apologizes for the error and hopes this disclaimer will suffice to avert any diplomatic incidents. Whoopsie doodle!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> I'm [enisywrites](https://enisywrites.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr. Come on over if you want to drop me a prompt or a question, or if you just want to say hi!


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